There’s an App for That

Today we welcome guest blogger Shane Joseph, a Canadian novelist, blogger, reviewer, short story writer and publisher. He is the author of six novels and three collections of short stories. His latest novel, Circles in the Spiral, was released in October 2020. For details visit his website at www.shanejoseph.com

Increased time online during the last year or so made him realize that there is an App for everything—even fiction. Enjoy his tongue -in-cheek blog about it:

There’s an App for That

by Shane Joseph

There’s an app for everything these days. For searching, shopping, information, books, car maintenance, home decor, clothing, cooking, domestic help, medical care, even sex – you name it, there is one. So, what are we left to do, but say, “Alexa, get me…”

It started with someone saying: If a process can be diagrammed in steps, then those steps can be automated. And automation will always get you a consistent, high-quality product at a low price. Gone are labour costs and human error. Place the App on Google Play or the Apple iStore, feed it to the multitudes, and rake in the revenue.

The Master Switch

Gradually, those who provide the goods and services and who unwittingly and voluntarily help the techies diagram their processes—i.e. bricks and mortar retail stores, personal and profession services firms, car mechanics, cooks, decorators, tailors, bookkeepers, travel agents et al—become automated and are rendered obsolete. This list will continue to grow in future as more process-driven professions get computerized. Even programming, that evil mastermind that began automating everything in the first place, is getting automated; soon, one will wonder who has control of the master switch.

Having dodged this speeding bullet for forty-five years, where every job I held ended up inside an App, I finally retreated to the bastion of the imagination—creative writing—where I felt I would be free from the clutches of the automating juggernaut. I have a few years of active work left before I end up in a geriatric state when nothing would matter anymore – so creative writing is going to be my last safe haven.

The Novel Writing App

But, lo and behold, my consternation when I saw an advertisement the other day for a novel writing App. “Add your plot points and characters, and watch our algorithm serve up multiple scenarios, twists, endings, car chases, punch-ups, shoot-ups, sex scenes and other situations, and design your novel to be a tragedy, comedy, tragi-comedy or comi-tragedy.” I am making most of this up from memory, but I think you get the gist. Orwell predicted this future, albeit with outmoded technology – but this App looked a darn sight more effective!

“Great,” I thought at first. “This will take out all those hacks who write to a formula (to a process), and that would include those who are writing time-limited and formulaic TV scripts, detective pot boilers, romances, police procedurals, vampire chronicles, fantasy and other predictable stuff, those unimaginative scribes who have invaded my space and taken a disproportionate share of readers’ eyeballs. Fie on them!”

Then I wondered: would my literary novel be safe, where, even with a novelistic arc that suggests “formula,” nothing is taken for granted; where evil could triumph over good if I so desire it, or vice versa; where originality of language matters more, not repetition and stock phrases spewing out of a machine; where subtext matters; where the writer’s moral principles underscore the story? Could automation permeate this deep?

It’s a Chess Game After All

Then I remembered Deep Blue and Gary Kasparov and their chess duel at the end of the last century. Kasparov won in 1996, but Deep Blue came back the very next year, re-tooled for higher performance, and beat Kasparov who was only getting older. And that was over twenty years ago – how far had Artificial Intelligence progressed since then? literary novels are not safe. No way!

So, there it is. We will have to learn to live with this new bedfellow whether we like it or not. He (or She, if called by names like Alexa and Siri) will have to complement what we do, and be treated as an ally rather than a foe. For now, I say, “Go find me the meaning of this word” or “Go find me some info on this place.” But as my faculties fade and I get lazier, I can see myself ordering: “write this paragraph, adding a touch of humour, a hint of tragedy, a pinch of intrigue, and using five new words that do not occur in the book already.” I could end up a “novel director” instead of a “novelist.”

But Heaven forbid, should the algorithm say to me one day, “Shane, your writing is crap. Take this entire chapter back and re-write it, to my standards – you’ve got five minutes to complete it, and that’s generous, in machine time.”

Festina lente!

Festina lente! I never thought I would use that Latin proverb in my writing, but I think it is an apt one here given what we know is barreling down the pike. Or do you think I could confuse the novel-writing algorithm with foreign oxymorons and get it to stop in its tracks or slow down even for a little while? Festina lente…